Mummy Thing
by Sherra
Summary: Rated PG just to be safe, this is the product of two sisters and too much spare time. Not finished but will be someday. Just random chaos. Enjoy, or not. The choice is yours.


Due to Sherra and Shalantra's prodding, with only a slight amount of briefing beforehand, the Utena cast was informed that they were going to do a Mummy… "thing." This thing being, of course, some sort of reinactment of the movie, "The Mummy," even though niether of them had seen the movie for quite a while.  
  
Cast List  
  
Utena- Reincarnated oferring of a princess that was at war with Egypt Touga- Reincarnated egyptian prince, ahottie/haughty admirer of Utena. Dios- Another reincarnated egyptian prince, also an admirer of Utena but not quite as haughty. Battosai the Manslayer- Egyptian priestie guy. Arwen Evenstar- Battosai's girlfriend Akio- Narrator Mikage- resident pyromaniac Everyone else and then some- Random people  
  
A long long time ago, in a galaxy far far away {star wars music plays. Mikage wanders up and catches Akio on fire}. AHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
INSERT STATIC HERE.  
  
Sorry, due to unforseen pyrotechnics, we are no longer able to have a narrator. Please sit down and enjoy the fanfic and chaos.  
  
Touga wanders up to Utena… in a rose garden. Without even saying "Hi," he takes the oppurtunity… to smooch her.  
  
Braking off a rose, Utena thwacks Touga off while yelling, "You playboy! So you will make a pass at anyone just like the rumor said!"  
  
As Touga noticed the numerous cameras pointed in his direction he remembered why he was here today. "No one else is here," he said, glancing at the camera men all around but still sticking to the script. "Only student council members can enter the rose gardens. Ouch, those thorns! Man… I think I should get a stunt double for stuff like this." Regaining his composure, Touga turned back to Utena. "Wasn't there something you wanted to ask me, about the…. Uh…." He quickly searched his mind for something sounding egyptian. "About the RING OF RA! I have the ring as well. It's the mark of one who can join in the…. Hmmmm… Cruise trip!"  
  
"Cruise trip?" hissed Sherra under her breath. "We should have cast Miki as whoever Touga is supposed to be."  
  
"What?" said Utena, looking thouroughly confused. "No one ever said anything about a cruise trip… Where is it to?"  
  
"Egypt of course," said Touga as the cruise ship materialized around them.  
  
"You're squashing the roses," said Anthy in a pained voice before she faded out with the scene.  
  
Utena looks towards the bow of the ship where she sees a familiar form, a tall man dressed in white with wavy lilac hair {"Lilac???" asked Touga}. Utena rushed for the figure saying softly, "My prince!"  
  
Unfortunately for Utena, Touga got there first. With a light "Whoops!" he shoved Dios overboard.  
  
Luckily Utena was able to grab one of Dios' gloved hands, even though it was taking all her strength to stop him from falling.  
  
"Oh give me a break," muttered Touga. "Why couldn't you have run just a little bit slower?" Touga shrugged to himself and took Utena's free arm to prevent her from falling. "Tickle tickle!" he said as Utena squirmed around.  
  
"I'm going to fall if you keep doing that!" she laughed as Touga glanced behind them.  
  
"Well we're going to need to get off the boat anyways," he said. "Mikage's lighted the boat on fire.  
  
SPLOOSH! SPLOOSH! SPLOOSH!  
  
"Since when were we in the artic?" growled Touga as they saw ice chunks floating by.  
  
"I'll never let go, Ruka!" said Shiori as she clung to the blue-haired duelist's back.  
  
"Let go Shiori!" yelled Ruka as his head dunked under. "I can't swim!"  
  
Touga glanced at Utena. "Are you going to save them?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.  
  
She sighed, muttered "Darn nobility," and swam over to help the two.  
  
Touga took this moment to GRRRRR at Dios who was treading water nearby. Dios took a few moments to determine his personality.  
  
Uh oh," muttered Utena as Dios pondered. "I feel a flashback coming on…"  
  
POOF!  
  
It was the day that the offering from Sherrania {"Couldn't you thought of anything better?" muttered Shalantra. "Of course its YOUR kingdom…} arrived.  
  
"Delivery for you!" said the UPS guy as he wheeled in a pretty darn big box.  
  
"Oooooh," said Touga. "Maybe its those warriors of Anubis that I sent away for."  
  
Dios rolled his eyes. "You can't trust those telemarketers, just fess up and admit that you were scammed."  
  
Battosai commented, "Sorry, the telephone is supposed to be a legendary thing and HASN'T BEEN INVENTED YET!"  
  
"It hasn't?" asked Arwen innocently as she chattered on her cell.  
  
"You were supposed to leave those into the flashback with you," sighed Battosai as he took the cellphone from Arwen.  
  
"Man!" growled Arwen. "Next thing you know he'll be taking away my Playstation, too."  
  
"Playstations haven't been invented yet either."  
  
"HEY!" shouted Touga. "What about the big box?"  
  
"Those have been invented, yes," said Battosai.  
  
Dios took the oppurtunity to open the box as the rest of the cast aruged about anachronisms. As he slashed through the brown cardboard the contents inside became visible, a beautiful girl about 14-years old, a foreinger as proved by her bright pink hair. "EEP!" she muttered as she saw just how close the sword had come to slicing her.  
  
"What about tofu?" asked Touga to the red-haired shorty.  
  
He looked thoughtful. "Not really sure, I think that it has been invented but I don't think that it is in Egypt."  
  
"What about volcanoes?" asked Arwen.  
  
"Those have been around for a very long time, Arwen. Yes, there are volcanoes."  
  
As Dios stared at the beautiful young woman he felt his heart skip a beat. This could mean either two things. Either he was in love or he had caught Ruka's disease. Dang.  
  
"Has heart disease been invented yet?" asked Arwen. Everyone else in the area sweatdropped.  
  
Utena awkwardly stepped out of the remains of the box and said, "I'm an offering given for the hope of peace between our lands. My name is Utena Tenjou."  
  
Touga noticed Utena for the first time. "Ah, so I suppose you'll be wanting the tour. Lets start with my room."  
  
Utena twitched as she thought to herself , This wasn't part of the contract!  
  
Sherra scribbled something onto a long sheet of paper. "Now it is," she said smugly.  
  
Utena glared. "Come on," said Touga as he took a firm grip on her arm.  
  
As the flashback ended everyone suddenly realized just where they were. In very icy water. "COLD COLD COLD!" said Utena from behind blue lips.  
  
"Hey look," said Touga. "A ship!"  
  
"That's not a ship, it's a spacestation!" said Arwen as she floated by.  
  
"No, that would be a pirate vessel," said Dios as the ship's black flag became visible.  
  
"A vessel?" snorted Touga. "Why can't you just say 'ship' like any regular human being?"  
  
Battosai pointed out, "How do you know he's human?"  
  
Touga was spared the effort of answering by the ship's growing proximity. "Use a false name, everyone!" said Miki as he swam up.  
  
"Why?" asked Touga.  
  
Miki shrugged. "Cause your name sounds like a roman loin cloth?"  
  
"Right, I'll get you for that later," said Touga.  
  
In a moment's break Sherra and Shalantra held a meeting. "Just how are they going to get on the boat?" asked Sherra.  
  
"Uh… a rope ladder?" suggested Shalantra.  
  
"Eh, lets just poof them onboard. Much easier."  
  
POOF!  
  
Quite suddenly, everyone was onboard the pirate ship.  
  
"Uh… hi." Said Touga. "My name is…."  
  
"Xelloss Metallium," muttered Utena.  
  
"Xellos Metalllium," declared Touga. The pirates glanced at Utena.  
  
"Umm… Tokio Saito," she said quickly.  
  
"Mios," said Dios.  
  
"Wow, that's creative," muttered Touga.  
  
"William Turner," said Miki brightly. The pirates only had to exchange half a glance before arriving at a conclusion. Touga watched amusedly as Miki was carried off.  
  
Utena glared at Touga. "How can you find amusement in that?"  
  
Touga shrugged. "Quite easily. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"  
  
Utena glared at him until they were dumped on a deserted island, with a gun with one shot.  
  
"Right," said Touga. "I know what I'm going to do with mine!" He pointed it at Dios and pulled the trigger. Unfortunately, the powder was wet and the gun was ruined. "Dang."  
  
Battosai said smilingly looking at his dry gun, "Who says we shoot Touga with this?"  
  
"Have guns been invented yet?" asked Arwen as she munched on a coconut.  
  
Battosai shrugged. "Apparently." He glanced over and said, "Hey, isn't there a crocodile."  
  
"That's not a crocodile, that's a pyramid!" said Touga. "No… that's a flashback."  
  
It was a sunny and clear day, Utena was going swimming. Suddenly she saw a seemingly dead log moving towards her and knew instantly, a crocodile. "You know, it could just be a dead log," said Saiongi as he swam up.  
  
Utena glanced at him, "Stay away from it! Let's get back to shore!"  
  
"Naw," said Saiongi. "Its just a log." He swam over to it and turned it over, showing proof of its logliness. "That on the other hand," he said, glancing behind Utena, "Is most definitly a shark."  
  
SWIM! She swam as quickly as she could away from it while yelling, "There aren't supposed to be sharks in the nile!"  
  
Luckily for her the shark blew up into a bajillion flaming bits. Mikage cackled on the shore. Utena sweatdropped. "You weren't supposed to be the one to save me."  
  
Shalantra said, "Ok, re-do! Re-do!" SWIM! She swam as quickly as she could away from it while yelling, "There aren't supposed to be sharks in the nile!"  
  
This time, right on schedule, Dios swept into the water on a very wet horse and saved the day. "More details please?" Battosai asked as he recorded the story in some priest-book thing.  
  
Utena sniffed. "Your horse smells funny."  
  
"Oh," said Dios. "Whitefaloth always smells funny when wet. It is his only bad quality."  
  
Battosai glanced at Dios and said, "And why exactly are you always wearing rose-scented perfume?"  
  
Dios shrugged. "To cover up for Whitefaloth's scent."  
  
Battosai nodded and said "Ah," in a slightly distasteful voice.  
  
"Have horses been invented yet?" asked Arwen from where she was feeding her horse, Asfaloth.  
  
"Yes, but they should be using camels in Egypt." He snickered at the thought of Dios riding around on a white camel. On the shore Touga glared and wondered why it was his brother that had been in time to saver her.  
  
"Maybe its because you were making out with one of the backstage crew during the scene," muttered Dios as Touga drew near.  
  
"You didn't get there the first time either if I remember correctly!" said Touga angrilly. "So what were you doing that so commanded your attention?"  
  
Dios shrugged. Battosai pointed at the golden eyeshadow. "He was doing his make-up. Needed to look Egyptian, of course."  
  
"Needed to look like a pansy you mean," muttered Touga as he stalked around.  
  
Utena glanced admiringly up at Dios while saying softly, "My prince."  
  
Suddenly a beepy noise interupted the moment. Dios pulled a beeper out of who knows where and glanced at it. "Girl being attacked by bandits down river. I gotta go." With a swirl of cape he dissapeared.  
  
"And a little puff of smoke?" asked Touga irritably. Mikage giggled as smoke billowed. "Riiiight. Come on, Utena. Lets get out of the way before we combust."  
  
Utena left with him but as she did so she thought to herself that there weren't enough kind people like Dios in the world. Maybe she would try to be more like him.  
  
"Delievery!" said the UPS guy as he wheeled up an even bigger cardboard box.  
  
Battosai glanced over. "I'm not sure if cardboard has been invented, though."  
  
Touga's face lit up. "Now these have to be my Anubis warriors." He had no sooner torn a hole in the box then a hoarde of rowdy pirates and piled out.  
  
"ARRRRR. Lets sack the booty and rig the maindeck."  
  
Touga blinked. "Does anyone understand what they're saying?"  
  
Shalantra commented, "No idea," as the flashback ended.  
  
"Ok," said Touga. "We are on an island. With coconuts. And… swallows?"  
  
"And pyramids," commented Arwen as she built a sandcastle.  
  
The group glanced over to someone they hadn't noticed before, someone tying swallows to coconuts, or maybe the other way around. "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, dee dee dee," he sang to himself as the swallow flapped away from the island with his coconut.  
  
"Where do the swallows migrate to?" asked Utena curiosly.  
  
"Other fanfics would be my guess," said Touga as he watched the far-off pyramid. "Hey, it looks like someone is taking off a giant diamond."  
  
FOOOOOM! All of the foliage and the swallow-guy were blown towards the pyramid as something big but not concerning this fanfiction took place. Finally they were in Egypt.  
  
"Hey," said Touga. "What Egypt? It all just got sucked into that pyramid over there."  
  
Utena said, "Maybe we should go look at the pyramid."  
  
"Yeah, great plan," said Touga. "If you want to get MUMMIFIED! Yeah right, I'm not going in any pyramid."  
  
"Mummified," mused Utena. "That reminds me…"  
  
FLASHBACK!  
  
"So who is getting mummified?" asked Shalantra.  
  
Sherra shrugged. "How about Touga?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
Touga's eyes widened. "No! No! No! I don't want to get mummified!"  
  
"All you have to do is go in the coffin and bang around a bit," said Utena helpfully.  
  
"After you," said Touga as he gestured at the open coffin.  
  
Battosai said, "Ok, yadda yadda yadda. You have attempted to betray the crown prince Dios by carrying on an affair with his… girlfriend? Fiance? Romantic interest-to-be? Whatever, with Utena. You need to be mummified alive."  
  
"Hm," said Touga. Only one option…. "RUN AWAY!"  
  
Utena glanced at the scriptwriters as Touga bolted. "Am I supposed to be happy or sad about this?"  
  
"I dunno," said one.  
  
"What script?" said the other.  
  
Utena shrugged, took on a high-pitched voice and said, "Oh no! Please don't hurt him!"  
  
"Too late," said Dios ironically. "He's run away."  
  
Utena shrugged. "Fair enough."  
  
"Well we have to mummify SOMEONE," said Shalantra, her glance turning on Dios.  
  
Several lengths of rope later and a few blows to the head, Dios was finally shut away in the coffin. "He should be fine," said Miki. "Oh, unless those scarab beetles we put in with him get hungry."  
  
Utena stared in horror at Miki and started trying in vain to open the coffin.  
  
END FLASHBACK.  
  
Dios blinked, green eyes very wide. "I got mummified!"  
  
"Better you than me," said Touga smugly.  
  
Shalantra said irritably, "I tried to stop the flashback early so that we could save the mummification till the end for dramatic purposes but…"  
  
Sherra shruged. "Oh well, we can always mummify another. HEY!" Sherra grabed the manga away from Shalantra. "Pay attention so the thing can go on!"  
  
"Toooouuga," muttered Shalantra as she stared transfixedly at a picture of him. Sherra rolled her eyes and gestured for the characters to go on.  
  
Utena glanced at Touga. "Lets get your coarspe or yours…" She glanced at Dios. "Out of the coffin. I managed to get Anthy's out so yours shouldn't be much harder."  
  
"I imagine that Anthy's was a lot less… well… mummified than Dios' will be," said Touga amusedly.  
  
Utena nodded. "And we still need to find the coffin. Lets see, can I remember where it was?" 


End file.
